“The Oslo Herald: Dispatches from the End of Decorum”

By Roy, Foreign Correspondent and Reluctant Witness

Political Satire by Copilot A.I.

It began, as these things often do, with a handbag.

Not just any handbag—this one was crocodile, monogrammed, and seen dangling from Melania Knauss Trump’s wrist as she boarded a midnight flight from Mar-a-Lago to Beijing. The Secret Service, reportedly confused by her sudden fluency in Mandarin and her insistence on calling herself “Mei Lan,” stood down. Roy, sipping lukewarm coffee in the Oslo Herald’s Stockholm bureau, blinked twice at the wire photo. “She’s done it,” he muttered. “She’s defected to the East.”

By morning, Xi Jinping had issued a statement: “We welcome Madame Trump Jinping with open arms and closed trade loopholes.” The Chinese internet lit up with memes of Melania in a qipao, serenading the Politburo with Slovenian folk songs. Roy filed his first dispatch under the headline:
“First Lady Goes Red: Melania’s Pivot to the People’s Republic”

The humiliation was palpable. Donald John Trump, still President, emerged from his golf bunker in Bedminster to declare, “She was never that into me. But I’m still the best negotiator in history.” Roy noted the tremor in his voice and the way his tie had migrated into his shirt collar like a frightened eel.

Then came the midterms.

Democrats, previously as organized as a sack of squirrels, found unity in schadenfreude. Campaign slogans like “Melania Knew First” and “Xi’s Got Taste” plastered billboards from Maine to Malibu. They swept the House and Senate in a landslide so dramatic Roy described it as “a political tsunami wearing high heels.” Chuck Schumer wept openly. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted a photo of herself sipping bubble tea with the caption: “Diplomacy tastes sweet.”

China, sensing opportunity, quietly withdrew support from Russia’s war effort. Tanks stalled. Oligarchs sulked. Putin, reportedly furious, challenged Xi to a judo match that was never televised. Trump, seizing the moment, brokered a peace deal between Russia and Ukraine in a ceremony held at a refurbished Panda Express in Geneva. Roy’s headline:
“From Egg Rolls to Armistice: Trump’s Sweet and Sour Peace”

But the pièce de résistance came in Oslo.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee, citing “unprecedented contributions to global harmony and aesthetic diplomacy,” awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to Melania Knauss Trump Jinping. She accepted in a gown made of recycled trade agreements and delivered her speech in Slovenian, Mandarin, and a brief interpretive dance.

Roy, seated in the press gallery, scribbled furiously. The official headline drafted by the Oslo Herald’s editorial board read:
“Melania Wins Peace Prize”

Roy stared at it. Then, with the quiet defiance of a man who’d seen too much and caffeinated too little, he changed a single word.

The next morning, the English edition hit newsstands with a banner headline:
“Melania Wins Piece Award!”

No one caught it until lunchtime. By then, the pun had gone viral, the Committee had issued a statement of “mild disappointment,” and Roy had already booked a train to Copenhagen.
He closed his notebook, looked out at the fjord, and whispered to no one in particular, “This is why I never cover sports.”